A bloody nuisance
by Marjorie Nescio
Summary: Doctor Sheldon Lee Cooper broke into Bill Compton's restricted database. Both men are brought before the Magister and Penny and her nerds show up at the scene. Does the Magister care that they are not involved? Ha!
1. Chapter 1

Introduction

After finishing a Big Bang Theory/Walking Dead crossover I planned to finish a Harry Potter fanfic. A completely different story demanded to be written though: one about Penny and her nerds from The Big Bang Theory combined with True Blood's vampires.

This crossover is set in season one of True Blood. From said season I used two major things: the vampire tribunal and Bill dealing with his offspring. Without any consideration for what happened when I used the death of Sookie's cat. From True Blood's season five I will use some lines. As far as The Big Bang Theory is concerned it is set pre-Amy/pre-Bernadette/pre-Leonard+Penny.

A bloody nuisance

Chapter 1

A junk-yard was not a typical venue to spend an evening but the group of vampires on the scene didn't care for the surroundings: there was a tribunal going on and the Magister himself held court. The man may have heard of community service but the concept must be a pathetic joke to him. Over the centuries he had dealt with one type of punishment only: the corporal one. As a result one vampire who had disobeyed a rule had his fangs retracted and another one had received twenty strokes on his bare back with a silver cat-o'-nine-tails.

When the still screaming last convict was dragged away the Magister made a subtle yet demanding gesture with his fingers. A tall blond vampire stepped forward.

"Sheriff Northman. Your subject Bill Compton has failed to do a proper job."

Another gesture and two iron hatches covering holes in the ground were opened. Two prisoners were dragged out. One was a dark haired vampire, the other was a tall lean man. They were made to stand in front of the Magister.

"Bill Compton, your database was supposed to be impenetrable. This human managed to break into it."

"I must object to the way you are referring to me sir. I have a name. You may call me doctor Cooper."

"Doctor Cooper," the vampire mockingly said. "Why did you access the database?"

In the background a car neared. Its driver was blowing the horn.

"I did it because I could. And because Mr Compton refused to sell me a disc containing the vampire database. You can't say that I didn't try to follow the procedures. Now, this seems to be a court of sorts and not one that is recognised by the federal government I'm sure. I will therefore disregard the _verdict _if there happens to be one."

"Northman. Why did you bring this idiot along?"

The sheriff refrained from answering for the car had come to a stop and even the Magister looked at it. An appetizing woman got out followed by three men.

"Sheldon!" the woman cried out. Several vampires showed their fangs. Though her companions looked uncomfortable the woman acted coolly.

"There you are Sheldon! We missed you. Why don't you come back to our hotel."

"I'm glad you are here Penny. I guess you tracked me via my phone? I shall like to leave. I suspect that that man over there referred to me as _this idiot_ and I'm -"

"Not an idiot your mother had you tested. Yes we know. Now common, let's go," one of Sheldon's friends hurriedly said, casting strained smiles here and there. Unlike Penny he and the other men hadn't walked all the way to doctor Cooper.

"Yes Howard," Sheldon eagerly replied. Addressing the Magister he said: "Mr Compton had done his best to protect his database. Someone with an IQ of say below 142 wouldn't have broken it."

Not replying to the comments given by the public the five humans walked away. One of them, a short man wearing glasses, wiped his brow. The Magister allowed them to almost reach their car.

"Let go of us!" Penny yelled at the vampires who dragged her and her friends toward the Magister.

"These people are not involved in this Magister," Bill Compton politely said.

"Thank you Mr Compton," Sheldon said and looking at the Magister he added: "I'd like to state that my friends strongly objected to my plan."

"How sensible of them," the Magister said with an amused smile. "If the short man could be as kind to stop mumbling shit shit shit shit, I would be obliged."

The audience insulted the short man.

"It's going to be fine Leonard," Penny told him.

"I wouldn't be so sure of that," the Magister said.

"We fall outside your jurisdiction sir," Sheldon pointed out.

His remark made the audience howl with pleasure. Leonard and Raj shivered.

"Magister please. The offence is mine. As you said I failed to protect my database. Any punishment should fall on me."

"Why do you defend them? They are merely humans."

"Whom we live with in peaceful coexistence Magister."

"You amuse me Compton," the Magister said through the audience's soft laughter. "Cooper, what did you learn from the database?"

"Nothing yet. I haven't accessed it so far. The only place to do so would be my spot on the couch in Pasadena and for the past days I was obliged to socialize with my Texan family."

"Which means there is no harm done," Penny said. "Mr Compton's database is not viewed and -"

She shut up for the Magister pressed his index-finger against his lips and combined with his smile it made for a threatening gesture. Even the buzzing coming from the audience died away.

"For failing to protect precious vampire information I planned to lock away Mr Compton in a coffin for half a month, chained in silver."

The Magister paused to allow the vampires to comment. They stamped the floor and laughed gleefully, fangs showing. Cries of _six months_ and _a year_ were heard. Penny looked behind her to see if there was anyone who wasn't enthusiastic. She spotted two tall blond vampires, a man and a woman, who didn't even smile at the prospect of Compton's punishment.

"That is mean. Vampires can't stand silver," Sheldon pointed out. He stopped talking when Penny touched his hand.

The Magister smirked. "Bill Compton, hear my verdict."

Bill stepped closer and so did sheriff Northman.

"For failing your task and being weak-hearted where these humans are concerned: one hour clad in silver in a coffin and the humans will be sold to the highest bidder -"

At hearing the Magister's last words the audience roared with delight.

"OR," the Magister said. It was as if he turned off a stereo.

"Or the cat will caress you sixty times and you turn these humans into vampires. The tough way."

The public went crazy. Bill looked shocked. Sheriff Northman seemed impressed that an alternative punishment had been offered. His companion's face betrayed amusement.

"I read," Sheldon whispered, "that turnings have a very poor success rate."

Obviously the Magister had heard Sheldon for he winked at them.

Leonard and Raj were softly whimpering. Howard swallowed hard. Penny searched the surroundings for a weapon but failed to find one. She caught Bill's eye. The vampire, who had looked human moments ago, had a hard expression on his face.

"I'll chose the second punishment Magister."

OoOoOoO

"Twelve!"

The audience's merry cry, coming from dozens of throats, couldn't wipe out the sound that came from Bill Compton's lips. Raj was crying against Howard's shoulder. Sheldon's expression showed that he desperately tried to get his mind to another place but from the pressure he applied to Penny's hand it was clear that he failed to arrive. Howard had closed his eyes and Leonard had fainted. Penny forced herself to watch. She flinched every time the cat hit Bill Compton, releasing yet another piece of skin from his back. She watched the Magister and his court and the hungry beast that was the audience. She watched the two tall blondes. Their faces were completely blank.

The executioner didn't hit Bill in an even rhythm. She played both him and the audience but sometimes waiting for over a minute before continuing. It was nerve-racking.

"Thirteen!"

Penny slowly reached into her bag for her phone.

OoOoOoO

"Fifteen!"

Penny's phone rested underneath the spiked boot of one of the vampires who were guarding them.

OoOoOoO

"Thirty-one!"

Bill softly whimpered when the cat hit his bare and as of yet undamaged feet.

"Let it be over soon, please," Howard softly said. Penny opened her mouth to tell him that it wouldn't be over when it was over, at least not instantly, but she changed her mind.

OoOoOoO

"Sixty!"

The executioner proudly held up the cat and was given a thunderous applause.

Bill was a red heap on the ground.

The Magister made a gesture and the five humans were escorted toward Bill. Penny was the only one who tried to fight them.

"You can do with fresh blood Compton," the Magister observed. "Part two of the punishment. The tough way. Though after the cat I doubt that even a gentleman like yourself would care to make it likeable for them."

One of the guards pushed Sheldon to the ground. Sheldon tried to get away. Bill reached out and grabbed his wrist.

"No!" the Magister said. "Take the woman first."

One guard freed Sheldon from Bill's grasp, which took no effort. Penny tried to kick the guard who came for her but he took her by her throat and presented her to Bill. His eyes showed the pain he was in and his fangs told her that she didn't stand a chance. Through the drumming of her heartbeat in her ears she heard her friends cry out for her.

"You'd better not kill me you bas-" she started and then his teeth broke through her skin. She bit her cheeks. Bill sucked. Penny moaned in pain. The audience went wild with enthusiasm and closed in. Bill sucked. Against her intention Penny screamed.


	2. Chapter 2

A bloody nuisance

Chapter 2

Penny waited for her friends to revive. She longingly looked at two trays of Tru Blood she'd found next to a tree-trunk that served her as a bench. There were animals nearby. Crickets, obviously, there was nothing unnerving about that. But she also knew, without seeing them, without hearing them, that there were birds nearby and small mammals. Animals with beating hearts. Blood.

If it wasn't for the fact that she wanted to be present when her friends surfaced and if she hadn't recalled the savageness of the public at the tribunal and if wasn't for the bottles of Tru Blood, she'd hunt a rabbit. With some hesitation she tested her fangs and they were there all right. It made her shiver from both fear and self-confidence. When the idea to watch herself in her pocket mirror occurred to her, she quickly retracted her _special teeth_.

"Come on guys, come on," she mumbled to herself, "Find your way up like I did."

Not being able to wait any longer she opened a bottle, smelled at the contents and drank. And drank. It was nutritious. It was human. It was human not to simply grab the owl on the bench above her and suck it dry.

It suddenly occurred to Penny that _she_ had acted on instinct but that her friends would probably want to figure things out. She walked to the rooted up earth near the place where she'd surfaced.

"Guys? Come up. Up is where my voice is. Use your hands and your arms. You can do it. Howard, remember _Kill Bill_? The Bride had to destroy a coffin but you don't have to do that. Hands and arms. You can do it!"

Just when she thought that her friends hadn't made the transition, Penny sensed a movement.

"Great! Hands and arms and later on your legs as well! You're not going to let those creeps at the junk-yard best you, are you guys?"

More movement.

"Raj, you will love the sight of the sky. It is gorgeous. It looks so much different from how we used to see it."

More movement.

"Leonard, vampires have more muscle strength than humans, isn't that amazing?"

More movement.

"Sheldon, what did Sherlock Holmes say again? When you get rid of the impossible stuff whatever's left may seem illogical but it must be the truth?"

She intentionally messed up the phrase for she didn't want her friend to think he was dreaming. More movement.

A hand, someone else's hand. Arms, heads. Howard, Raj and Leonard stood there looking dazzled. Sheldon got out too.

"Vocal test. Mor- Good Lord, look at our clothes!"

While Sheldon with a look of disgust removed earth from his shirt and pants, Raj whispered into Howard's ear.

"Yes Raj, we are vampires now," Penny replied.

Raj looked panicked.

"I heard you too," Sheldon said. Leonard nodded.

To distract Raj Penny pointed at the sky. Her friends looked up. The child-in-a-toy-store-look on their faces was a sight to behold. Penny didn't know whether Raj and Leonard licked their lips because of what they saw or because they were thirsty. She walked to the tree-trunk and opened a bottle of Tru Blood. With vampire speed her friends came toward her. They were stunned by what they'd unconsciously done.

"I'm the Flash!" Sheldon cried out. He and the other guys run away from Penny and back again and away. After chasing each other around the field where they'd been buried they returned, giddy with excitement. Penny handed them a bottle each. They awkwardly looked at each other.

"Seeing the Milky Way like that and running around like a superhero is cool, but drinking this is..." Howard said.

"Aren't your thirsty?"

Sheldon made a throatily sound. "I am as a matter of fact. It is a very primitive feeling, as if I'm a Neanderthal man. I don't want to feel like that Penny!"

"That's where the synthetic blood comes in. Cheers."

She drank. Her friends drank also and though they finished their drinks they made faces.

"It might improve when warmed," Howard said.

Raj whispered something in his ear.

"He asks if he can have another bottle," Howard out of habit informed the group.

"We heard," Penny, Leonard and Sheldon said simultaneously.

"I'm still kinda thirsty too," Leonard added.

"There are not enough bottles left for all of us," Sheldon pointed out. "Penny excluded for she already had two."

"We can share," Leonard suggested.

Sheldon shook his head. "That would be unhygienic."

Howard sighed. "Rock paper scissors lizard Spock?"

"Pub," Penny said.

OoOoOoO

The five of them adjusted to normal speed when they'd reached a place called Merlotte's. The guys were excited for having raced through the woods and Penny thought it _was_ rather thrilling but she was even more awed by the fact that it had not been a road-map that had brought them here, but the number of beating human hearts.

"It looks a bit like a red neck place, don't you think?" Howard said.

"What else can one expect here?"

"Do I look very Jewish?"

Leonard laughed. "_That's_ what you're worried about?"

Howard stopped walking. The others turned to him.

"This is so weird. I mean: we are _dead_ guys."

"We think so therefore we exist," Sheldon said with a shrug.

"Right," Penny said. "And dead people aren't thirsty. Common!"

OoOoOoO

In the Cheesecake Factory new patrons rarely ever caused the regular clientele to shut up, but in Merlotte's their arrival made people stop talking for a moment. Penny went straight to the bar where a red-headed waitress was making a private phone call as if the place wasn't crowded at all. The woman was pissed for someone named Sookie hadn't shown up yet and one Sam had asked her, the red-head, to cover for her. The red-head now noticed Penny and after some _bye bye's_ and _love you's_ she hung up.

"Hi, how can I help you?"

"Hi, I'd like five bottles of warm Tru Blood please."

"Oh honey, you don't wanna drink that stuff. It doesn't give a kick you know. Humans find it revolting and those who say it's good are lying."

"I stand by my order," Penny said with a smile. It pleased her that she wasn't exposed as a vampire.

The waitress shrugged. "Want a particular blood-group?"

Seeing her customer's startled expression she added: "It doesn't really matter. Those Japanese just made several flavours, so the vampires wouldn't have to drink the same all the time. Like this is all they drink huh?" A derisive snort emphasized the waitress's meaning. "I'll warm some O-neg and I'll bring it to you."

OoOoOoO

"Drinks are coming up guys," Penny said sitting now.

She received no comments for her friends were downloading an app on their cell phones to alert them for the rising of the sun.

"Doesn't it worry you," Sheldon said, "That whenever vampires appear in fiction they are never the good guys?"

"That is true," Howard replied. "In the classic novels they seduce beautiful virgins -"

He stopped talking for Raj whispered in his ear.

"To reply to the remark everyone, Penny included, heard, so there's no need to use my ear: you can try that but you'll simply be kicked in the groin. To return to the subject: in the Potter books vampires side with the Dark Lord. _We_ have a bad reputation."

Penny caught Howard's eye.

"This _is_ weird," Penny said. "It is _so_ weird."

The waitress appeared. "Here you are," she said after greeting them. "One order of Tru Blood. Would y'all like to order something to go along?"

Sheldon put the menu he was studying back on the table.

"No thank you," Penny said. The waitress left.

"According to the information on the menu we're -surprise surprise- in Bon-Temps."

"Guess it was part of the punishment to drop us in this hole of a place."

"Compton resides here Leonard, as I've informed you before."

Penny by then had finished her drink.

"Much better," she commented the temperature. She didn't mention that the hearts at Merlotte's seemed to beat more modestly now and she walked to the bar to ask for another round.

While she was on her way back to her friends, Bill Compton stormed in.

"Make that six," Penny said to the waitress. She greeted the vampire.

Bill looked from her to the waitress to the table where the guys sat and back to her. He cleared his throat.

"Good evening. Miss Penny is it?"

"An old southern gentleman huh?"

Bill's eyes travelled over Merlotte's unharmed patrons.

Penny smiled. "Please join us."

The guys had finished their Tru Blood and they were in a heated discussion so they neither noticed that Penny had returned nor that she'd brought an addition to their party.

"You must be our Cochrane and more Howard. Warp speed alone won't do it."

"Relax Raj, it will take a long time before that will happen."

"But people who have a long time to take care of something always end up doing it at the last moment. We must begin soon!"

"Raj is right. Though I'm afraid the material we need won't be developed for decades or even centuries we could at least start the calculations."

"What's it about guys?" Penny chimed in.

Raj blushed.

"Mr Compton!" Sheldon said in an accusing tone of voice. He rose. "I see that thanks to our _donation_ you've recovered? Was it pleasant to kill us?"

"Manners Sheldon,´ Penny reminded her friend. "If Mr Compton had opted for the first punishment the police would have had to solve a case of five drained J. Does right now."

"I doubt that. I always carry my ID with me."

"Sheldon," Penny sang. "Please be seated," she invited their guest and she frowned at Sheldon who reluctantly sat down. Seeing some patrons look at her table, she smiled at them. After Penny had introduced her friends the second round of drinks arrived.

"Bill," the waitress curtly said. She eyed Penny and her friends as if she tried to find out what they were.

"Good evening Arlene. Sookie requested me to tell you that she will be here shortly. Someone killed her cat and I hurried to her when I heard her scream. She wanted to bury her pet before leaving for work."

"Oh my! Poor Tina, who'd do something like that?" Arlene said.

When the shaken waitress had left Bill softly explained that if he hadn't thought his friend Sookie was in danger he'd have waited for them to wake up.

"Penny was there," Howard said.

Bill fingered his bottle. "I'm glad you all made it."

"Thank you for giving us a chance," Penny said.

Howard, Raj and Leonard raised their bottles in salute.

"My – You're welcome."

They all drank except for Sheldon who thoughtfully looked ahead.

"I guess you're right Penny. The vampires at the junk-yard were bullies, all of them. They would have hurt us. And I don't mean putting our heads in a toilet before flushing it. Mr Compton, please accept my apologies for my previous words. You did save our lives so to speak. Though of course if we hadn't been strong enough to survive the transition we wouldn't be here right now."

Looking slightly confused Bill inclined his head.

"You are welcome to spend the day at my house," he said, "It is nearby."

"Thank you, but we'll return to the hotel. I believe none of us has a bathroom with a window, which angered me at first for I myself had certainly asked for one, but it is rather convenient now for it will allow us to escape the sun."

"Weird..." Howard mouthed to Penny.

Bill cleared his throat. "Do you plan to stay at the hotel?"

All but Sheldon realised there was more to Bill's question.

"No, the day after tomorrow we are expected at my mother's place again and from there we'll – Why are you shaking your head Mr Compton?"

"You can't return to your families."

"Oh I see: you didn't drive our rental car over to Bon Temps. Is it still at the junk-yard?"

"Mr Cooper," Bill interrupted. Sheldon raised his hand to silence him.

"It's doctor Cooper. As you should know. I do hope Penny that you still have the car's keys? If you do perhaps Mr Compton will be so kind as to give us -"

With the measured movement of a controlled man getting annoyed Bill placed his empty bottle on the table and interrupted: "Doctor Cooper, this is not about transportation. You can't go home."

"We will go home," Penny said. "Turning us doesn't mean that you can decide for us what to do."

"It does."

"No it doesn't," Sheldon told Bill.

"Well, in books it _is_ mentioned," Leonard remarked.

"So are dragons," Howard curtly commented.

"A maker and his progeny have a bond," Bill said, "The maker guides and the child learns."

"We are adults," Penny said. "We'll drink Tru Blood, sleep the day away and live at night."

"There are all sorts of vampire regulations."

"We're Americans," Leonard said. "We'll obey American regulations."

"And Indian," Raj whispered into Howard's ear.

"You are no longer human," Bill said.

"I thought the Great Revelation was meant to turn vampires human again. In a way," Penny said. "And Nan Flanagan never mentioned vampires sticking to their own rules."

Bill cleared his throat. "They do however. You saw that at the junk-yard."

"They shouldn't."

"Yes, well, they do. And I don't want you to accidentally break a rule and be punished for it."

"If you give me the vampire book of laws, I will study it and inform the others about the most pressing issues."

"There is no book of laws."

"Good Lord! Why on earth not?"

"I don't – The thing is: I order, you obey."

"Not wanting to seem rude," Howard said with a boyish smile, "but we already made it clear that that isn't going to work.

Bill went to the counter, paid for the beverages and walked back to the table.

"We have money," Penny said, "You don't have to pay for our -"

"As your maker I command you all to follow me," Bill interrupted her.

Penny felt as if she was on a lead. She tried to fight it and by the looks of if so did her friends but when she saw their struggling reflections in a window, she gave up.


End file.
